Time’s really always on my mind. I’m either thinking about the past, the future or right now. Little things trigger that pang of nostalgia. Like watching White Christmas last night. I was watching the scene where Phil and Judy are dancing outside of the club to that song “The best things happen while you’re dancing…” and I remembered watching the movie as a little girl, sitting close to the tv. Thinking about how wonderful it would be to be an adult and to dance like that. Things that trigger me to remember what it felt like to be little girl and know that the world was ahead of me and that everything was ok. Mom and dad were taking care of me and there’s wasn’t a thing to worry about except who was going to pop more popcorn for the movie. Nostalgia is the wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time. The pain you feel along with nostalgia is the realization that you can never get those moments back. You can never go back to your family, your life that way, just like that, ever again. If I had known to snapshot every perfect moment in my mind and file it away forever, I would have. But I didn’t know enough about life yet. Know that grandparents won’t always be vibrant and goofy or even there. Know that someday fear will accompany you instead of reckless abandon. If only I had known, I would’ve soaked it all the way up. I wouldn’t have rushed to grow up and leave it all behind.
I think about my future a lot too. Knowing there will be plenty of joy and pain to come. It’s all part of the composition of life. Hoping that the joy will outweigh the pain. Hoping my love will always be right there in every moment, every adventure, every sunrise and sunset, every success and lesson. Longing to know that I will sit and rock in our rocking chairs on our porch in the mountains when we’re very old. There’s pain in that feeling too- a hopeful longing.
The only control I have in both of these feelings is in the present. I feel like I’ve learned my lesson from my past. Embrace every moment. When I hug Justin, I literally drink in the moment. There’s no place I’d rather be. When I go for a run, I take deep breaths and appreciate my youth. When I see my family, I tell them I love them. The only balm for nostalgia and longing is to be thankful for right now.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
As I walked down to the end of the dock tonight and sat down on the bench I was suddenly gripped with an overwhelming sense of silence and peace. In one moment, my mind went from the usual state of random questioning of God's ability to make my life complete and worth something to utter humility and trust that He alone is God. And that really the point is not that my life is worth anything but that I add to His story of redemption. Every question that I ask God, like will Justin and I both be around to grow old together? or why is it so difficult to watch your parents get old? is my mind's futile attempt at trying to control what happens in my life. Like if I anticipate it, maybe it won't hurt so much. God literally quieted my down tonight to whisper in my ear, "Be still and know... that I am God." Which really means to me that it's ok, I don't have to worry about all these things because he has it under control. When it is time for me to go through certain things in this life, he will be there and I will get through it.
Steadily, the clouds, sun and water were moving in the rhythms God set for them and frantically the bugs were flying around in front of me. I had one choice, to focus on the bugs in front of me (the things that worry me) or to focus on the majestic beauty happening behind those bugs in this beautiful sunset (the beauty and grace of God). I wish you could've beent here to experience this overwhelming sense of peace -in our world of constant movement it's hard to come by. I feel like He's reminded me of this before, but I always appreciate a refresher.